Grey matter morning.

Such a different morning from yesterday. Grey outside, our May grey, which will burn off by midmorning. Fear has dissipated as will the overcast, just a bit lingering, and today I am just tired. Although we were on time for my appointment, the doctor wasn't. She takes time with her patients, far beyond that scheduled, so that, as the day progresses, she gets further and further behind. When I finally talked to her, after two hours, she took time to ask lots of questions, most of which we could answer. She looked at the MRI and MRA and told us the opposite of what DR T had said. The MRA looks good, nice blood flow through the brain, some question about the carotids, but the MRI shows white spots. Most are old, could be TIAs, could be from migraines, definitely multiple microvascular injuries. She wants more tests, so I will be off to Anaheim in July, because that's the first opening in that clinic, to monitor heart rate. I will be called for another appointment for new imaging with the vascular group. Referral to an opthamologist. I had blood tests again. She thinks the problem is with my eye, not in my brain. This is the opposite of Dr S's diagnosis. Two good doctors, at odds with each other. Weighing the choices, do I prefer to have a good brain and a bad eye? I think so, and I'm quietly satisfied that I can think about it at all.

Waiting

Fear of the unknown is universal. No matter how we try to calm ourselves, there is always lurking, at the back of our minds, dread that something we don't expect is waiting for us. Today we finally meet the neurologist to learn what the MRA really showed, what it was that caused Dr T to call, after sending us home, to say he'd referred me to Neurology. Because there was such a lack of haste in setting the appointment, I am assuming that there's nothing really wrong, that the chronic ischemic changes are just typical for my age and probably the result of migraines and not TIAs. That is what I want to hear. The MRI eliminated the big four causes, the huge monsters of tumor, stroke, aneurysm, MS, so that what is left is only tiny monsters, white blobs on photos of slices of my brain. What I really expect is to be sent off for more testing, with few answers today, just more questions. Nevertheless, my heart is racing a bit as I wait for this day to begin.

Written three weeks ago and left in DRAFT... Waiting is always difficult, and this morning is no exception. I am waiting for a phone call that has not come. Instead I've had a robocall from the library that I have materials on hold, and a yet another call from some home improvement company that insists that we spoke last January. I do not have time or energy to waste on these calls. A few days ago I went with friends to see Emperor, a fascinating story, based on fact, about MacArthur's treatment of the Japanese emperor in the war-criminal trials that followed Japan's capitulation. As we left the theater I noticed that my left eye was not behaving properly. I was not driving, and as the trip progressed, my vision regressed, so that by the time I was home, my left-eye vision was, left of center, only a grey blur. Within an hour it returned, leaving only a mild headache and a feeling of slight nausea. Yesterday, as I was having toast and coffee, Ray still asleep, this recurred. There were no changes in light values, just the disappearance of letters on my Kindle. I lay down for a bit and my sight returned, but the nausea and headache remained. I sent an email to Dr Pak reporting this, asking if this could be an ocular migraine. An hour or so later Dr Pak's PA called and said that I should go to Urgi-Care immediately. I clocked in at 2:09 PM, able to see clearly, but with nausea, headache and a bit of vertigo. For nearly two hours we waited, until finally Dr Seifert came in. She said that she didn't think there was anything wrong with my eyes, but more likely something in my brain. She then mentioned several things that could cause these symptoms: aneurysm, tumor, MS, atherosclerosis, and, my personal favorite, migraine. She ordered an MRI and an MRA, but there was a four-hour wait till the next opening. She said she'd keep us on the board, but we could go home for dinner and then return.

October through December

I began this in October, but it was a busy month for us...

One week from tonight we'll be in Sarasota, hosting a rehearsal dinner on the eve of our son's wedding. There's a lot to be done in this next week, and I hope I have some time to pause and think about this latest change in our lives. We will no longer have a single child. instead we'll have two married sons and two lovely daughters-in-law.

And that's as far as I got, because that last week was filled with the many small tasks that are necessary for a smooth and stressless party. We went off to Florida on the 25th, flying with our son and his daughter to Ft Lauderdale, then driving 170 miles to Punta Gorda. We spent two hours at LAX watching Virgin America mechanics climb in and out of a hatch under the nose, fixing whatever it was that prevented our departure. She enjoyed the activity and watched intently as trucks came and went. The President was in LA that day, and the airport shut down as Air Force One left. Eventually our plane was fixed and we flew away.

Florida was nicely humid and warm, but the pools were cold. Thursday we left PG and went to Sarasota for four days of wedding festivities with family, friends and strangers.

And again I stopped, so now it is the middle of January in a new year. The kids are wedded, honeymooned, and home again, settled down to normal life. The holidays were celebrated appropriately, and I am now covered by Medicare.

Monday Chris's book about Haiti came out in the Kindle Store, and there was a flurry as the news was posted and reposted on Facebook. It was all very exciting. Tomorrow the hardcopy version will be available.

We had four days with no heat, until today, when the repairman came to do install a new circuit board. We have heat again. It was so cold in the house, below 60, that I didn't mind going to the lab for blood work this morning.

September

We are galloping through September! Book Club, which meets on the third Monday of the month, will be tomorrow night. We're discussing Major Pettigrew's Last Stand, by Helen Simonson. ( I'd have underlined that title if I knew how to do it in Chrome, but I can't find that option. ) It's her first novel and is very clever, readable and enjoyable.

This morning I blocked a shawlette I've knit for our bride-to-be. This is the second go at the pattern. The first was knit with Legacy Lace, a merino/nylon blend from a farm in Nebraska. It worked up well, but the color wasn't so white as I wanted. When I saw some nice Italian merino in Wildfiber, I bought that and started over. A lot of work for something that may or may not be worn, depending on the weather that evening, but she'll have it if she needs it. I think I'll keep the first one for myself, but I might give it to her too, to take on their honeymoon.

Wedding-wise, I have three dresses, two of which will be returned shortly, no shoes, and no underpinnings. Each dress requires a different style of bra, so this week I must decide which dress to keep, which to return, and then go find the proper support. Shoes are on the calendar for next week.

Last week I worked up the menu for the rehearsal dinner, and sent it off to the restaurant to be sure those choices were still available. It was returned with "corrections, " which made me laugh. Their menu is strewn indiscriminately with upper-case letters, and my descriptions had none. These had been carefully replaced, so that we could offer "...Half Chicken, Roasted in an Oak Oven..." We'll be using my version.

August

Sometimes I start posts and forget that they are still in Draft...

So now we are approaching the end of August, summer is nearly over and a new school year awaits. Although it has been ages since I spent these upcoming weeks getting a student outfitted, I still respond to the academic calendar. The old year is winding down now, tired and hot and ready for a long rest. The new year begins when the classroom doors open and children head out bravely into new adventures.

I spent the summer doing various things, but every Monday I had Knit Club. Twenty girls signed up, and there were five when we ended. Several of the original group were there just for that first week, but I hadn't told them they couldn't come and try, and now I have several kits with only a few rows on the needles, some without even the requisite 16 stitches cast on. Those I'll take apart, peel the name tags from the bags, roll the yarn again into the balls, ready for the next girls who want to learn this skill.

Our county Fair stretched into August this year, four weeks of fun and strangeness, bad food I no longer eat, interesting artisans displaying their skills. One day I had a chance to knit with a group working on the World's Largest Sock. The project has been moving around the world since 2006, when it was begun in Great Britain. I got a sticker for my participation.

Happy Independence Day

Last night I forgot to bring in our flag, and this is what I found this morning.

The police report calls it attempted arson. It was probably a crime of opportunity, some stupid kids walking by with matches or lighters. The flag was out, not visible from the house. I wonder if they were surprised to see how fast it burned. Did they linger to see the black, melted drops fall to the concrete? Did they even consider what might have happened had the flames reached the overhang? Probably not. Probably stupid kids, neighbor kids, perhaps, because who else is roaming this street at night?

This flag was given to my boys by their late grandfather, who came to this country to escape brutal tyranny in Europe. It was lovely, sewn stripes and embroidered stars, and we'd had it for nearly 30 years. I don't know if we can find one like it, but we've already hung a cheaper, printed cotton flag in its place.

Flag burning is a form of protest, but the protester usually brings his own flag. He would have no right to burn my flag. I don't imagine that the burner of this flag thought that deeply, no idea of protest, if he had any idea at all. It was stupid thoughtless destruction. Stupid.

I have started scraping the mess from the driveway. A grapefruit knife seems to work best. It will be a long and boring job, but I don't want reminders of last night. I wonder if the culprit will pass by and giggle to himself or if he'll even see a connection to his actions. Stupid, just stupid.